The Case Against Pets

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Let’s talk about pets. They are made for cuddling. They nuzzle and purr and wiggle. They show their cute little bellies, asking for scratches. When we’re blue, they bring comfort. When they act like silly imbeciles, we make videos of them and share their antics with strangers on the internet. Pets give us something to squeeze and care for and love on. Pets are made for us. Dear reader, this perception of pets is a lie. A sugary-sweet pop-song-conception of true love at first kiss, a clean and bright and too-happy commercial, a David Copperfield slight-of-hand misdirection trick of epic proportions. And you know the thing about magic, right? It’s fake.